How to write an ethical will, with prompts and a simple plan

A legal will says who gets the house and the savings. It says nothing about why you lived the way you did, what you learned the hard way, or what you hope for the people you love.

An ethical will is the document that does that. It has no legal force and needs no lawyer. It's a letter, or a set of letters, or a recording, that passes on values, stories and blessings. Author Barry Baines, a hospice physician who has written widely about them, put it neatly in an interview with My Jewish Learning: "legal wills bequeath valuables, while ethical will bequeath values."

This guide covers what goes into one, how to write it without freezing up, and how to help a parent or grandparent make one if they'd never sit down and write it themselves.

A very old idea

Ethical wills are far older than estate planning. According to Wikipedia's overview, the tradition is usually traced to Jacob's deathbed words to his sons in Genesis 49, and the earliest surviving written example is by Eleazar, son of Isaac of Worms, from about 1050. The form became common among Jewish families in Spain, Germany and France between the 11th and 13th centuries.

Some of those letters were long and very personal. My Jewish Learning describes the 12th-century ethical will of Judah ibn Tibbon to his son Samuel, which ran to more than 50 pages. It contains a lovely line about books as companions, and also a harsh telling-off for the son's shortcomings. That second part is worth remembering when you write your own.

Today ethical wills are used well beyond any one faith. The same article notes that hospice workers often encourage patients to write them, and they turn up in estate planning as a way to explain the thinking behind financial decisions.

Does it actually help anyone?

There isn't much research on ethical wills as such, but there is some on a close cousin. Dignity Therapy is a short intervention for people with a terminal illness, in which a patient is interviewed about their life and what matters to them, and the conversation is turned into an edited document for their family.

In a 2007 study in the Journal of Palliative Medicine, researchers including Harvey Chochinov surveyed 60 family members of patients who had taken part. 78% said the document helped them during their time of grief, and 77% said it would continue to comfort them and their families. These are people's own reports after the fact, from a single small study, so they aren't proof of a measurable effect. They do match what many families say: having the words in writing, in that person's voice, matters afterwards.

What to put in an ethical will

There's no required format. Wikipedia's list of common topics is a good menu to pick from:

• Where your family came from, and the heritage you want remembered
• The values or faith that guided you, and why
• Lessons you learned, including from mistakes
• Things you regret, and any apologies you want to make
• Blessings or hopes for each person you love
• The reasons behind your financial or charitable choices
• The stories behind objects you're leaving, such as a ring, a watch, or a recipe box
• How you'd like to be remembered

You don't need all of these. Three or four, done honestly, are better than a long list done in a hurry.

How to write yours in five sittings

Trying to write the whole thing in one evening is how most ethical wills end up unwritten. Break it up.

1. Make a list of who it's for

Write down the names. Children, grandchildren, a partner, a sibling, a godchild, a friend who was there when it counted. Some people write one letter to everyone; others write a short separate note to each person. Decide now, because it changes how you write.

2. Brainstorm without editing

Set a timer for ten or fifteen minutes and jot down anything that comes to mind under these prompts:

1. A moment that changed the direction of my life
2. Something I believed at 25 that I no longer believe
3. A person outside the family who shaped me, and how
4. The hardest thing I got through, and what got me through it
5. What I'm proudest of that nobody gave me a medal for
6. A family saying, habit or recipe I hope carries on

Don't write sentences yet. Just notes.

3. Pick a few and tell the story

Choose the three or four notes with the most life in them and turn each one into a short story. Specific beats general every time. "Always be kind" is forgettable. The story of the neighbour who left groceries on your doorstep the winter your father lost his job is not, and it carries the same lesson.

4. Write the blessings

This is the part most people find hardest and most readers treasure. For each person on your list, write a few lines about what you see in them and what you hope for them. Keep the focus on who they are.

5. Read it back, then let it rest

Leave it a week, then read it aloud. Cut anything that sounds like a speech. Look carefully at anything that could land as a judgement. Judah ibn Tibbon's rebuke of his son has survived nine centuries, and it probably wasn't the part Samuel wanted to keep. If there's an old conflict, an apology in your own name usually does more good than a final word on who was right.

Practical points

• It isn't legal. Wikipedia's article is clear that ethical wills are not legal documents. Don't use one to leave property or change your estate plan. If it touches on money, make sure it matches what your actual will says.
• Write by hand or record your voice. A typed letter is fine. A handwritten one, or a recording, carries something extra. Many families find the voice is what they miss most.
• Store it where it will be found. Tell someone it exists. Keep a copy with your will or your important papers, and another somewhere separate.
• You can share it now. Some people give theirs at a milestone birthday, a wedding, or the birth of a grandchild. There's no rule that it has to wait.
• Update it. Your view at 45 won't be your view at 75. Date each version.

Helping a parent or grandparent make one

Many older people will never write an ethical will, even if they'd love to leave one. Writing feels like homework, and "what are your values?" is an impossible question to answer cold.

The way round it is to ask small, concrete questions and let the answers become the document. Instead of "what matters to you?", try:

• "What did your mother always say that you still hear in your head?"
• "What would you tell me at 20 if you could?"
• "Was there a time you had to choose between what was easy and what was right?"
• "What do you hope the grandchildren know about you?"

Ask one or two at a time, over weeks, and keep their answers in their own words. Over time you'll have something very close to an ethical will, built one conversation at a time. If you'd like more starting points, our list of questions to ask your grandparents works well here too.

If they live far away, one way to do this is with Eternix's Memory Circle. You write a few questions and send a private link from your own phone by WhatsApp, text or email. They answer by voice or in writing, with no account and no app, and their answers come back to you end-to-end encrypted, so only you can read and hear them. You can keep sending new questions whenever another one occurs to you. It's free to start.

Whichever way you do it, start with one story. A single page written this year is worth more than the perfect document you meant to write.